I don’t really have to be pissed off at anybody

I don’t really have to be pissed off at anybody.

Why is it that I hang on to this desire to be mad at somebody or some institution (like a church or a government or an employer)? Certainly, I have had good reasons to be mad. It seems to be rooted in blame. Or an unconscious default into victim mode.

I learned at the Stagen Integrated Leadership Program for business executives that we fall over and over again into the “dreaded drama triangle” of victim, persecutor, and rescuer. By far, the most common role we tend to play is that of victim. I didn’t think this applied to me. Turns out that most victims don’t think it applies to themselves. Go figure.

I didn’t think I was a blamer either. Turns out that I’ve been doing just that. I’ve been blaming others for some of the crappy things that have happened in my life. I’ve deluded myself into thinking that I’ve gotten past those initial hurtful or disappointing events. I’m a pretty rational and kind-hearted person. Surely, I don’t harbor ill will or hold grudges.

But my body may be saying different.

Have you ever had one of the moments where you’re in a bookstore and a book seems to fall off the shelf, into your hands? You buy it, read it, and shake your head in wonder at how you found this incredible book. That happened to me – again. (My husband is groaning because I have acquired quite a few books…). Last week I was at the Public Library (New Year’s Resolution to not buy so many books…) and I came home with quite an eclectic mix of books, none of which were on my original search list. In “The Magic Feather Effect: The Science of Alternative Medicine and the Surprising Power of Belief,” Melanie Warner explains that there is a powerful mind component to body complaints.  I learned about psychoneuroimmunology in my studies at the University of Minnesota and thought, “Yeah, this is good stuff, interesting that people (other people) don’t recover from illness unless emotions and patterns in the mind are addressed.” Turns out that I might be one of those other people.

Warner talks in her chapter on “Brain Pain” of a man who had chronic low back pain. He’d been to a variety of conventional doctors and surgeons who recommended surgery. Wanting to avoid that, he explored alternatives – like acupuncture, massage, energy work – but nothing provided long lasting relief. That is, until he found a practitioner who really took the time to establish a rapport. During a treatment session, this man opened up about a hurtful experience that occurred years before, about the time the back pain had begun. Once he acknowledged and worked through those emotions, and continued his work with the manual treatment, he found relief.

Have you heard a story like this before? I have, many times. But this time, I was hooked because I, too, have had chronic low back pain and I realized that it began during a difficult time in my life. Connecting the dots, I started to realize that maybe those feelings of anger and disappointment that my mature, grown-up brain said that I was managing just fine, were really stuck in my back?

What if I, too, could take responsibility for my whole self – my body, my mind, my spirit – and find relief? I can start today by recognizing that I don’t need to be pissed off at anybody. I can reframe any bad experience into a new and good possibility. I can take time every day to do something good for my body through nutrition or exercise. I can refresh my spirit with thoughts of gratitude for all that I take for granted, for all the good things in my life that I can’t take any credit for.

Will my pain go away? I don’t know. Stay tuned! Sitting here, typing, I’m not feeling any pain. Gratitude, joy, forgiveness, letting go. These are powerful things.

I’d love to hear your story, be a supportive companion on your journey. Call or email for a complimentary initial consultation.