I remember reading this thought provoking quote many years ago, when I was a young mom: “Why do we try to make our kids feel bad in order to get them to be good?” Manipulation based on fear? A way to shame them? Will shaming, or even a swat on the backside, create a lasting impression? It might. And it might not be a lasting impression for good. What about showing my child admiration as I catch him or her doing something right? What behavior might that bring?
If you are a mom, maybe you feel some shame about how you’ve tried to make your kid be good. We default to certain behaviors in desperation, perhaps, and fear almost certainly. We live in a culture of fear.
There’s this struggle of good and bad. How to get more of the former and less of the latter. I see this, too, in the behavior of church-going folks. There seems to be this idea that humility is rooted in self-flagellation: “I am humble if I admit to my weakness and sinfulness.” If I hold onto that, and remind myself of it daily, then surely I am on the road to holiness. I am humble for how unworthy I am. I fear seeing myself any other way.
Why must we think ourselves bad in order to be good?
True humility does not lie in seeing myself as lowly. True humility allows me to take my talents and gifts into the world. I allow my light to come out from under the bushel basket. I bring it forth. I let it shine brightly. How is this humility? It is in realizing that the light is pure gift from above – from God, the Source, the universe – or from the burning lamp within the heart. What’s more, true humility allows me to see that same light in you, my neighbors, our politicians…..and in all creation. True humility celebrates this light with gratitude and joy. True gift, full of abundance.
What will I do differently today with this awareness?
Why is it that I hang on to this desire to be mad at somebody or some institution (like a church or a government or an employer)? Certainly, I have had good reasons to be mad. It seems to be rooted in blame. Or an unconscious default into victim mode.
I learned at the Stagen Integrated Leadership Program for business executives that we fall over and over again into the “dreaded drama triangle” of victim, persecutor, and rescuer. By far, the most common role we tend to play is that of victim. I didn’t think this applied to me. Turns out that most victims don’t think it applies to themselves. Go figure.
I didn’t think I was a blamer either. Turns out that I’ve been doing just that. I’ve been blaming others for some of the crappy things that have happened in my life. I’ve deluded myself into thinking that I’ve gotten past those initial hurtful or disappointing events. I’m a pretty rational and kind-hearted person. Surely, I don’t harbor ill will or hold grudges.
But my body may be saying different.
Have you ever had one of the moments where you’re in a bookstore and a book seems to fall off the shelf, into your hands? You buy it, read it, and shake your head in wonder at how you found this incredible book. That happened to me – again. (My husband is groaning because I have acquired quite a few books…). Last week I was at the Public Library (New Year’s Resolution to not buy so many books…) and I came home with quite an eclectic mix of books, none of which were on my original search list. In “The Magic Feather Effect: The Science of Alternative Medicine and the Surprising Power of Belief,” Melanie Warner explains that there is a powerful mind component to body complaints. I learned about psychoneuroimmunology in my studies at the University of Minnesota and thought, “Yeah, this is good stuff, interesting that people (other people) don’t recover from illness unless emotions and patterns in the mind are addressed.” Turns out that I might be one of those other people.
Warner talks in her chapter on “Brain Pain” of a man who had chronic low back pain. He’d been to a variety of conventional doctors and surgeons who recommended surgery. Wanting to avoid that, he explored alternatives – like acupuncture, massage, energy work – but nothing provided long lasting relief. That is, until he found a practitioner who really took the time to establish a rapport. During a treatment session, this man opened up about a hurtful experience that occurred years before, about the time the back pain had begun. Once he acknowledged and worked through those emotions, and continued his work with the manual treatment, he found relief.
Have you heard a story like this before? I have, many times. But this time, I was hooked because I, too, have had chronic low back pain and I realized that it began during a difficult time in my life. Connecting the dots, I started to realize that maybe those feelings of anger and disappointment that my mature, grown-up brain said that I was managing just fine, were really stuck in my back?
What if I, too, could take responsibility for my whole self – my body, my mind, my spirit – and find relief? I can start today by recognizing that I don’t need to be pissed off at anybody. I can reframe any bad experience into a new and good possibility. I can take time every day to do something good for my body through nutrition or exercise. I can refresh my spirit with thoughts of gratitude for all that I take for granted, for all the good things in my life that I can’t take any credit for.
Will my pain go away? I don’t know. Stay tuned! Sitting here, typing, I’m not feeling any pain. Gratitude, joy, forgiveness, letting go. These are powerful things.
I’d love to hear your story, be a supportive companion on your journey. Call or email for a complimentary initial consultation.
There’s something appealing about a New Year’s resolution. I am giving myself another chance. How cool is that? We normally want others to give us just one more chance! How appealing it is to take responsibility for my life and what better way than to give myself another chance.
It’s a redo. Or maybe a repeat. A redefine? It’s a re-solution! Why should one solution be the only solution for my life? I am a changing and dynamic human being. Each day is an opportunity to re-solve my life.
By doing this, I am taking responsibility. The finger points back at me, right? I redirect my thoughts to the only person that I can control. I can control myself, my thoughts, my actions.
A good place to start is with my thoughts. I have the power to reframe any thought that comes into my head to be a useful thought. Have you ever, for example, felt deep sorrow for a loss in your life? Did you spend months, maybe years, mourning that loss, dwelling on the impact it made on your life? The exciting thing is that I have the power to decide to transform those thoughts, when the time is right for me. I reframe a thought of “my life is empty because he/she/they is no longer there” to “I have an opportunity to find and make new friends. I now have the time to seek the company of people who nourish me.” Or even, “I now can devote time to nourishing others.”
What thought is begging to be reframed in your head? Sometimes we need a little help sorting through and untangling these thoughts. Call or email me to schedule a complimentary coaching session.
Do you feel like you’ve tried just about everything to get your life into balance? Every book? Every website? Every service – from massage to chiropractic to acupuncture? Maybe this year will be different. I will set a goal. It will be realistic but not too easy. There has to be a stretch so that the goal feels like I really accomplished something. This year I will do it right.
What would it look like to step off the New Year’s Resolution hamster wheel? What would it look like to live everyday feeling good in your skin? Can you imagine waking up feeling refreshed from a good night’s sleep and your first thoughts are of gratitude for another day full of opportunity?
I am reminded of a saying about life: pain is inevitable, suffering is not. Each day brings a challenge of some sort. It might be physical or emotional pain. It might be a difficult relationship. It might be a thorny workplace problem. What would it be like to wake up NOT dreading the challenges of the day?
Every day. Yes, every single day – not just the days in January – it is possible to wake up and take on the day with confidence. I can take inventory of my life. I do have internal and external resources to draw upon. I can create a plan that brings balance to my life. I don’t have to worry about getting it perfect.
I will choose to live my very best life every single day. That is the only resolution I need to make.
Choose to flourish. Call or email me to schedule a complimentary consultation.
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